they don't see the fire that you have set inside of me [entries|friends|calendar] Man Of Sorrows [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

[26 Sep 2007|10:03am] looking still for the rest of this song : "its time for you to do everything youve always whanted and ill see you when you make it though." ill write an entry soon i promise. my mask

[17 Aug 2007|12:10pm] theres only 3 people who read this. one really never does. the other does it rairly. and one matters the most. so i day this to her. i love you. and i miss you. and idk how you feel about everthing, on a rencent message i said i knew how you feel, and i may have been wrong. i honestly dont know how you feel about everything. i dont know much of anything acually. im sorry for anything ive done to bother you. i hope we can see eachother soon. bye love. unveil| my mask

LIFE, DEATH and everything inbetween [15 Aug 2007|11:39pm] so many new conclutions, its twisting up my head. tossing and turning, sweating and cusing alone in my bed. whats wrong? why so long? since ive had wit to anything ive said? or have i just become someone i dont whant to be? feeling less a monster so feeling way more free? i blend instead of standing out, i walk instead of runing, my life with God is a rocky one that i intend on striving. i love my Lord, and him first and i need to realise that. i dispise my actions and myself forget the ryme, im done. i need to find my niche again and bring back what people love. its my faith in God that faltered and when i lost my weight, everything about me changed. and im not funny or quick like i used to be. i dont like me, and i intend on changing that, however getting out and chilling is great and i will add this to my list below. ive let recent heart ache hit me into depression, well, no more, im done. love you. seriously. and i mean it. and i dont care how bad that is. alright? PEACE OUT DOGGS! my mask

FINALLY [22 Jul 2007|11:40pm] im moving on, im letting go. im breaking my box. im going to live life. God gave it to me and i have quandered it. nows my chance. i will do better now. im finnally going to do it. im going to move on and let myself break from these ties! im gonna travel im gonna make friends. talk to people see the state the country and the world eather with my friends, or by myself. im sick and tired of being afraid of EVERYTHING i dont know how, but ill do it. i have no money but i can save. ive come to the realisation that i whont do well in school. i cant. i try and i cant. i will never give up, mind you, and never stop trying to do my best. but im just tired of constantly letting myself down no matter how hard i try. im gonna draw more im gonna read more im gonna try painting and music and acting and working out and making movies. how about bike riding? how about skate bording? how about surfing? WHY NOT!? im tired of letting myself down, and letting God down. im tired of being me. even in the fact im posting this, is just another lame proof that i wine too much and worry. idk what im gonna do in college, but i know what im gonna do when im not there, LIVE. i whant to cook for people. i know noone reads this, but if you want me to cook for you, let me know. i will i want to leave myself it the dust. i want to visit all the people i know, if your my best friend or not, at yourschool at your work W/E and just talk. thats another thing, i have vowed to talk to at least one person every day. not just talk. "hello" i meen a convo, learn something about them, share something. maby even make a friend. seriously. im serious. i wanna start a business and weather or not it failes i just wanna do it. see what happens. i wanna get my masters in something and get a good education somewhere. i wanta stay sober, clean, and a vergin till marrage. read my bible every day and find my butt a pew to sit in on sunday weather or not its in my church, southern caifornia, californa, america, just somewhere. i need to grow in my walk with the Lord and its time i MOVED my butt. im going to more conserts shows car shows coffie houses. im gonna branch out and network WHAT CAUSED THIS!? im so glad you asked. several things in fact. 1) ive always been under the realisation that God only blesses/curses you with one life. but never let it really apply and sink in. i dont whant to die and when God asked what i did with what he gave me, say...."played alot of starcraft and ate alot of food." 2)ever since i got a job, girlfriend, and friends who acually whant to hang out, ive have this craving to get out more, and more, and more. and since i lost the people who i thought we're my friends, then i think its time i made real ones. 3)my best friend. my best friend is my ex-girfriend michelle, she is amazing. i love her. and i hope one day ill be able to date her again. if the the Lord wills. but dating her was seriously one of the best experiences in my life and easially THE MOST maturing and life altering experience short of being saved from my sins (im still iffy on that one, ive got this whole sin thing and its killing me ... litterally) and she has changed me and made me into a much more outgoing person who sees the world much, much differntly. 4) my second best friend josh. he is AMAZING. everyone who meets him falls immidatly in love with him and wants to be with him as often as possible. including myself. see he and i have been spending lots of time together latley and ive realised one thing. i want his personality. not the whole thing, just part of it. and thus i have been copying him into myself and part of that is his fearless outgoingness and ability to express himself fully without receving any negative recoil. therefore i think this is something that would just fit that bill. 5) i feel inferior to almost every person i meet. and therefore i need to do something that i can be proud of myself in. in short. im gonna do more stuff, but still be me. im gonna go to college, and learn as much as possible and take the hard and the easy classes. just learn. im gonna read. travel. find some activity to do. and make friends. this may take a year, it may take a lifetime and i may never do it all. but i tell you now i am moving on with my life and gonna stop pitting myself and do something about it. im just plane gonna do more. and i want to do it with you. so let me know if your down for, who knows. a trip to the beach. a sculpting class. a train ride through europe. hit me up. and if you dont know me. say hi, cause im in the mood now. much love. unveil| my mask

[14 May 2007|09:42am] switching gilt for love to the heavens above to the Creator 3 in 1 the eternal precious son. a call to end grief and a call to end pain who knew that feeling better had something to gain. something so hard something so plain some kind of releif for my battered little frame i hate myself no less i love myself no more i just know what is best and of this i am sure that i am not forsaken and i am merly distrot im a little heavy laden and i may have forgot but through the love of a woman and the love of God the writer of a book and the writ of the law im hoping ill be helped and that i whont be at a loss my mask

[07 Nov 2006|11:51pm] i did so well, so long then i fell, so stong hit my head and hit my heart it started slowly and ended sharp love didnt help neither my try nor prayer has saved me ive still sucked it dry it whont escape me and i dont know why i honestly feel as tho im gona die and that after i die im gonna fry and see my sin though an eternal eye WHY WHY WHY cant I I I i hate me help. please. my mask

lately [13 Sep 2006|08:02pm] lately has been crazy princess poem is on hold new "hell on earth" has taken its place taste test : "oh Lord, oh fright, i wish you may, with all my might, save this fauther from your wrath tonight" "the most beautiful girl i ever laid eyes on, a sholder am i for her eyes to cry on." my mask

[15 Jul 2006|12:34am] -dont be sad little girl, your in safe arms tonight. -your soul may fill, unfilled. and your nightmares a fright. -but words can pass and time changes all. and we all have stumbled and most have fall. -so know your fight is not alone, and your tears not shed in peace.for im here to stop your fears and make your anger deceased. -im an your joy and tho im hid, i know im needed to cheer this kid. -a little cheer a little gleem to make your nightmare, but a dream there now shell be happy youll find the right guy dont worry. my mask

[08 Jul 2006|03:11pm] lament my terrible soul your friendships cannot make you whole your emptiness is shown your cover is now blown you cannot make but one day pass without taking an evil stance you cannot breath but one more breath untill all holyness is brought to death why now are you so evil too to bring his judgement , you fool alas you will not get what you whant until you deflect this sins taunt fill yourself with endless glee the day that you are finaly set free for now just fight to win the night and ween this temptress from your veins my mask

[04 Jul 2006|11:03pm] IVE got this COATH inside, she dosnt know i like her, but i do, its akward, i think she may, i think she maynot, i dont whant to kill myself to make nothing, i dont whant to make something to kill, its inside, i whant to but i cant. how do i express? i may have made it worse, i may have made it better. ahhh amore. COATH : my mask

[05 Jun 2006|11:41pm] night night and remeber life is not about school its about living life for the struggle over death for God and life for God..now as i continue into the dark unknown i have to deal with this little thing called life. my mask

[04 Jun 2006|09:30pm] WHAT THEN SHALL WE SAY!? my WORDS to end this ENDLESS DAY. a day that lasted 14 years. a day containing all my tears. my thoughts? my loves? my works? above. oh this day i shall never forget. the days of wich ive always dremped. i finaly stand hands full on this poedium. i whant to scream until im numb. im leaving this place of wich ive always loved. today, astray, i stay awake to think of lovers on a lake, the lake of endless happyness, the sounds of s.o.s. destress the winding down of little hearts. the leaving of larger marks. some are pure and some are broken. some are kept and some are stolen. why is this education clear ? its taken me so many years. and i feel more confused than ever. but inside lighter than a feather. to these timbers i will wisper, about the years , i will miss her. the lover of friendship by her hand she leads me to the place of stand no timbers grow ,and no leaves crush the grounds unfertile and the views not lush. this is my future , i seek it now but theres more than the sand of brown thers a chance to move on here for im an adult, now, i fear and this place of concrete sand is where my university stands. my mask

[28 May 2006|11:59pm] drown my heart oh gosh not now why oh why please oh please tell me , i cant you cant , i whont you dont , i will contiue this feeling oh no im still feeding this trill why oh why please oh please my night your night my words they fight im slight of speech your out of reach we cant , you whont i cant , you dont this flood of love is prone of broke oh no oh no not now i cant [knife and a gun in a bathroom stall , whont fix my problems in the long haul] [never have , never will] gosh this thrill. my mask

[19 May 2006|07:56pm] (my writing) watch it sister i an't yo mister im tired of life this one-way twister cut me deep and blister think my cut might fester im almost out , this is all i can muster. to you (not my writing) i never asked for this , or planed it in advance. i was merely blown here by the winds of chance. i never saw my self as a solomon or sacraties. i knew who i was , one of your , dime-a-dozon , mediocraties. THEN suddenly im here , respected , worshiped even, just because the fokes in oz needed someone to beleve in. does it surprise you i got hooked and all to soon. what can i say? i got carried away. and not just by , baloooon. (notice the difference in talent) thankyou thankyou , your far to kind. you blow my mind stop it , stop it please , o , please. my mask

[25 Apr 2006|09:47pm] to screem HOW LONG IS THE NIGHT? its never over its never over // //somewere over the rainbow // way up high // and the dreams that you dream of // once in a lulliby // ** * and goodness knows * * the wicked's lives are lonely * * and goodness Knows * * the wicked die alone * * it just shows when you wicked * * your left only * * on your own * They call then rogues, they travel fast and alone. On hundred foot faces of God's good ocean gone wrong. What they call love is a risk, cause you will always get hit out of nowhere by some wave and end up on your own.... They say that the captain stays fast with the ship through still and storm. But this ain't the Dakota, and the water is cold. We won't have to fight for long. this is the end [] [well i whant it now] [I WHANT IT NOW] [give me your heart and your soul] [well i breaking out] [im breakin out] [last chance to loose control] behold a list of songs that i love and inspire me along with many many more my mask

[02 Apr 2006|09:29pm] best day ever! , thank you God. my mask

[30 Mar 2006|10:18pm] friends? unveil| my mask

[27 Mar 2006|07:14pm] Yeah, we say making changes starts in the little things you do "Revolution begins at home" But for most of us, it ends there too We're doing something We're making changes Like changing the brand of crap we buy We say it makes a difference but that's just another lie It used to be "us" and "them" And you and me And now we can't reach our full potential without a common enemy A real war to fight against Instead of our petty disagreements But how can I rationalize My life during wartime lie A call to action and a reaction Taking our lives into our own hands Instead of sitting around talking about the same old shitty bands But war is going on right now and I'm not doing anything about it my mask

[26 Mar 2006|06:45pm] FINALLY i let him know how i feel i know ill hear about it again i ill not impress you i am who i am your rat race will not own me i am .a artist .a indivdual .the total opposete of you .afaid of working behind a desk .aware i need to do more .sick of school .very angry .getting more angry .busyer than you think and less busy than i think .aware im young .not planing on becoming a slave to a business .going to fight the rat race as well as i can .aware im blessed .AWARE IM BLESSED . AWARE IM BLESSED .an adult .immature . NOTHING LIKE YOU .not stupid .not smart .not going to impress you .done with this list but heres the thing , i dont like it here so im ready and willing for her agenda.(orange) i will vote when i want to and not a minute before. im confused and angry at myself so please just give me space. my mask

[24 Mar 2006|12:56am] this screen sucks my blood it mangles my heart it causes a flood of force fed dead brought on by anger un matched hatred and un needed slander why? self pity devine doubt unwilling to bring on a well needed drought does fire await me? or clouds up above? this sin whont escape me. and im lacking in love. sicko i need help i need drought i need not to doubt i need more than i should i know all that i did but im told not to let it bear down on my heart love lacking for lovers and friends for breakers and mends for siners for saints for winners and those who find they belong in last place no i am sick my mask

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