they don't see the fire that you have set inside of me

Wed, 26 Sep 2007 17:09:13 GMT

looking still for the rest of this song :

"its time for you to do everything youve always whanted and ill see you when you make it though."

ill write an entry soon i promise.

Fri, 17 Aug 2007 19:19:39 GMT

theres only 3 people who read this.

one really never does.
the other does it rairly.

and one matters the most.

so i day this to her.

i love you.
and i miss you.
and idk how you feel about
everthing, on a rencent message
i said i knew how you feel, and i may have been wrong.

i honestly dont
know how you feel about everything.
i dont know much of anything acually.

im sorry for anything ive done
to bother you.

i hope we can see eachother soon.
bye love.

LIFE, DEATH and everything inbetween

Thu, 16 Aug 2007 06:48:47 GMT

so many new conclutions, its twisting up my head.

tossing and turning, sweating and cusing alone in my bed.

whats wrong? why so long? since ive had wit to anything ive said?

or have i just become someone i dont whant to be?

feeling less a monster so feeling way more free?

i blend instead of standing out, i walk instead of runing,

my life with God is a rocky one that i intend on striving.

i love my Lord, and him first and i need to realise that.

i dispise my actions and myself

forget the ryme, im done.

i need to find my niche again and bring back what people love.

its my faith in God that faltered

and when i lost my weight, everything about me changed.

and im not funny or quick like i used to be.

i dont like me, and i intend on changing that,

however getting out and chilling is great and i will add this to my list below.

ive let recent heart ache hit me into depression, well, no more,
im done.

love you. seriously. and i mean it. and i dont care how bad that is.
alright?

PEACE OUT DOGGS!

FINALLY

Mon, 23 Jul 2007 07:14:31 GMT

im moving on,

im letting go.
im breaking my box.
im going to live life.
God gave it to me and i have quandered it.
nows my chance. i will do better now.
im finnally going to do it.
im going to move on
and let myself break from these ties!

im gonna travel
im gonna make friends.
talk to people
see the state
the country
and the world

eather with my friends, or by myself.

im sick and tired of being afraid of EVERYTHING

i dont know how, but ill do it. i have no money but i can save.
ive come to the realisation that i whont do well in school.
i cant. i try and i cant. i will never give up, mind you,
and never stop trying to do my best. but im just tired
of constantly letting myself down no matter how hard i try.

im gonna draw more
im gonna read more
im gonna try painting
and music
and acting
and working out
and making movies.

how about bike riding?
how about skate bording?
how about surfing?
WHY NOT!?

im tired of letting myself down, and letting God down.
im tired of being me. even in the fact im posting this,
is just another lame proof that i wine too much and worry.

idk what im gonna do in college, but i know what im gonna do when im not there, LIVE.

i whant to cook for people.
i know noone reads this, but if you want me to cook for you, let me know. i will
i want to leave myself it the dust.

i want to visit all the people i know, if your my best friend or not, at yourschool at your work W/E and just talk.

thats another thing, i have vowed to talk to at least one person every day. not just talk. "hello" i meen a convo, learn something about them, share something. maby even make a friend. seriously. im serious.

i wanna start a business and weather or not it failes i just wanna do it. see what happens. i wanna get my masters in something and get a good education somewhere. i wanta stay sober, clean, and a vergin till marrage. read my bible every day and find my butt a pew to sit in on sunday weather or not its in my church, southern caifornia, californa, america, just somewhere. i need to grow in my walk with the Lord and its time i MOVED my butt.

im going to more conserts
shows
car shows
coffie houses.
im gonna branch out and network

WHAT CAUSED THIS!?

im so glad you asked.
several things in fact.

1) ive always been under the realisation that God only blesses/curses you with one life. but never let it really apply and sink in. i dont whant to die and when God asked what i did with what he gave me, say...."played alot of starcraft and ate alot of food."

2)ever since i got a job, girlfriend, and friends who acually whant to hang out, ive have this craving to get out more, and more, and more. and since i lost the people who i thought we're my friends, then i think its time i made real ones.

3)my best friend. my best friend is my ex-girfriend michelle, she is amazing. i love her. and i hope one day ill be able to date her again. if the the Lord wills. but dating her was seriously one of the best experiences in my life and easially THE MOST maturing and life altering experience short of being saved from my sins (im still iffy on that one, ive got this whole sin thing and its killing me ... litterally) and she has changed me and made me into a much more outgoing person who sees the world much, much differntly.

4) my second best friend josh. he is AMAZING. everyone who meets him falls immidatly in love with him and wants to be with him as often as possible. including myself. see he and i have been spending lots of time together latley and ive realised one thing. i want his personality. not the whole thing, just part of it. and thus i have been copying him into myself and part of that is his fearless outgoingness and ability to express himself fully without receving any negative recoil. therefore i think this is something that would just fit that bill.

5) i feel inferior to almost every person i meet. and therefore i need to do something that i can be proud of myself in.

in short. im gonna do more stuff, but still be me.
im gonna go to college, and learn as much as possible
and take the hard and the easy classes. just learn.
im gonna read. travel. find some activity to do. and
make friends. this may take a year, it may take a lifetime
and i may never do it all. but i tell you now i am moving
on with my life and gonna stop pitting myself and do
something about it. im just plane gonna do more.
and i want to do it with you. so let me know if your down
for, who knows. a trip to the beach. a sculpting class.
a train ride through europe. hit me up. and if you
dont know me. say hi, cause im in the mood now.

much love.

Mon, 14 May 2007 17:04:42 GMT

switching gilt for love
to the heavens above
to the Creator 3 in 1
the eternal precious son.

a call to end grief
and a call to end pain
who knew that feeling better
had something to gain.

something so hard
something so plain
some kind of releif
for my battered little frame

i hate myself no less
i love myself no more
i just know what is best
and of this i am sure

that i am not forsaken
and i am merly distrot
im a little heavy laden
and i may have forgot

but through the love of a woman
and the love of God
the writer of a book
and the writ of the law

im hoping ill be helped
and that i whont be at a loss

Wed, 08 Nov 2006 06:51:15 GMT

i did so well, so long
then i fell, so stong
hit my head
and hit my heart
it started slowly
and ended sharp
love didnt help
neither my try
nor prayer has saved me
ive still sucked it dry
it whont escape me
and i dont know why

i honestly feel
as tho im gona die

and that after i die
im gonna fry
and see my sin though
an eternal eye

WHY WHY WHY
cant
I I I

i hate me

help.
please.

lately

Thu, 14 Sep 2006 03:04:31 GMT

lately has been crazy

princess poem is on hold

new "hell on earth" has taken its place

taste test :

"oh Lord, oh fright, i wish you may, with all my might, save this fauther from your wrath tonight"

"the most beautiful girl i ever laid eyes on, a sholder am i for her eyes to cry on."

Sat, 15 Jul 2006 07:35:47 GMT

-dont be sad little girl, your in safe arms tonight.
-your soul may fill, unfilled. and your nightmares a fright.
-but words can pass and time changes all. and we all have stumbled and most have fall.
-so know your fight is not alone, and your tears not shed in peace.for im here to stop your fears and make your anger deceased.
-im an your joy and tho im hid, i know im needed to cheer this kid.
-a little cheer a little gleem to make your nightmare, but a dream

there now shell be happy

youll find the right guy dont worry.

Sat, 08 Jul 2006 22:15:23 GMT

lament my terrible soul

your friendships cannot make you whole

your emptiness is shown

your cover is now blown

you cannot make but one day pass

without taking an evil stance

you cannot breath but one more breath

untill all holyness is brought to death

why now are you so evil too

to bring his judgement , you fool

alas you will not get what you whant

until you deflect this sins taunt

fill yourself with endless glee

the day that you are finaly set free

for now just fight to win the night

and ween this temptress from your veins

Wed, 05 Jul 2006 06:06:03 GMT

IVE got this COATH inside, she dosnt know i like her, but i do, its akward, i think she may, i think she maynot, i dont whant to kill myself to make nothing, i dont whant to make something to kill, its inside, i whant to but i cant. how do i express? i may have made it worse, i may have made it better. ahhh amore.

COATH :

Tue, 06 Jun 2006 06:41:58 GMT

night night and remeber life is not about school its about living life for the struggle over death for God and life for God..now as i continue into the dark unknown i have to deal with this little thing called life.

Mon, 05 Jun 2006 04:46:42 GMT

WHAT THEN SHALL WE SAY!?

my WORDS to end this ENDLESS DAY.

a day that lasted 14 years.

a day containing all my tears.

my thoughts? my loves? my works? above.

oh this day i shall never forget.

the days of wich ive always dremped.

i finaly stand hands full on this poedium.

i whant to scream until im numb.

im leaving this place of wich ive always loved.

today, astray, i stay awake to think of lovers on a lake,

the lake of endless happyness, the sounds of s.o.s. destress

the winding down of little hearts.

the leaving of larger marks.

some are pure and some are broken.

some are kept and some are stolen.

why is this education clear ?

its taken me so many years.

and i feel more confused than ever.

but inside lighter than a feather.

to these timbers i will wisper,

about the years , i will miss her.

the lover of friendship by her hand

she leads me to the place of stand

no timbers grow ,and no leaves crush

the grounds unfertile and the views not lush.

this is my future , i seek it now

but theres more than the sand of brown

thers a chance to move on here

for im an adult, now, i fear

and this place of concrete sand

is where my university stands.

Mon, 29 May 2006 07:03:54 GMT

drown

my heart

oh gosh

not now

why oh why

please oh please

tell me , i cant

you cant , i whont

you dont , i will

contiue this feeling

oh no

im still

feeding this trill

why oh why

please oh please

my night

your night

my words they fight

im slight of speech

your out of reach

we cant , you whont

i cant , you dont

this flood of love

is prone of broke

oh no

oh no

not now

i cant

[knife and a gun in a bathroom stall , whont fix my problems in the long haul]
[never have , never will]

gosh this thrill.

Sat, 20 May 2006 03:06:19 GMT

(my writing)
watch it sister
i an't yo mister
im tired of life
this one-way twister
cut me deep and blister
think my cut might fester
im almost out , this is all i can muster.

to you

(not my writing)
i never asked for this , or planed it in advance.
i was merely blown here by the winds of chance.
i never saw my self as a solomon or sacraties. i knew who i was , one of your , dime-a-dozon , mediocraties. THEN suddenly im here , respected , worshiped even, just because the fokes in oz needed someone to beleve in. does it surprise you i got hooked and all to soon. what can i say? i got carried away. and not just by , baloooon.
(notice the difference in talent)

thankyou thankyou , your far to kind. you blow my mind
stop it , stop it

please , o , please.

Wed, 26 Apr 2006 04:48:44 GMT

to screem

HOW LONG IS THE NIGHT?

its never over

its never over

//

//somewere over the rainbow // way up high // and the dreams that you dream of // once in a lulliby //

**
* and goodness knows *
* the wicked's lives are lonely *
* and goodness Knows *
* the wicked die alone *
* it just shows when you wicked *
* your left only *
* on your own *

They call then rogues, they travel fast and alone.
On hundred foot faces of God's good ocean gone wrong.
What they call love is a risk, cause you will always get hit
out of nowhere by some wave and end up on your own....

They say that the captain stays fast with the ship through still and storm. But this ain't the Dakota, and the water is cold. We won't have to fight for long.

this is the end

[]
[well i whant it now]

[I WHANT IT NOW]

[give me your heart and your soul]
[well i breaking out]

[im breakin out]
[last chance to loose control]

behold a list of songs that i love and inspire me along with many many more

Mon, 03 Apr 2006 04:30:14 GMT

best day ever! , thank you God.

Fri, 31 Mar 2006 06:19:26 GMT

friends?

Tue, 28 Mar 2006 04:42:30 GMT

Yeah, we say making changes

starts in the little things you do

"Revolution begins at home"

But for most of us, it ends there too

We're doing something

We're making changes

Like changing the brand of crap we buy

We say it makes a difference

but that's just another lie

It used to be "us" and "them"

And you and me

And now we can't reach

our full potential

without a common enemy

A real war to fight against

Instead of our petty disagreements

But how can I rationalize

My life during wartime lie

A call to action and a reaction

Taking our lives into our own hands

Instead of sitting around talking

about the same old shitty bands

But war is going on right now

and I'm not doing anything about it

Mon, 27 Mar 2006 03:08:48 GMT

FINALLY i let him know how i feel

i know ill hear about it again

i ill not impress you

i am who i am

your rat race will not own me

i am

.a artist
.a indivdual
.the total opposete of you
.afaid of working behind a desk
.aware i need to do more
.sick of school
.very angry
.getting more angry
.busyer than you think and less busy than i think
.aware im young
.not planing on becoming a slave to a business
.going to fight the rat race as well as i can
.aware im blessed
.AWARE IM BLESSED
.
AWARE IM BLESSED

.an adult
.immature
.
NOTHING LIKE YOU

.not stupid
.not smart
.not going to impress you
.done with this list

but heres the thing , i dont like it here so im ready and willing for her agenda.(orange)

i will vote when i want to and not a minute before.

im confused and angry at myself so please just give me space.

Fri, 24 Mar 2006 09:05:21 GMT

this screen sucks my blood

it mangles my heart

it causes a flood

of force fed dead
brought on by anger
un matched hatred
and un needed slander

why?

self pity
devine doubt
unwilling to bring on
a well needed drought

does fire await me?
or clouds up above?
this sin whont escape me.
and im lacking in love.

sicko

i need help
i need drought
i need not to doubt
i need more than i should
i know all that i did

but im told not to let it
bear down on my heart

love

lacking
for lovers and friends
for breakers and mends
for siners for saints
for winners and those who find they belong in last place

no

i am sick

Sun, 19 Mar 2006 20:43:49 GMT

(not pertaining to anything recent)
so ive done something about it

so Gods help's not doubted

the beast from my heart so soon will die

and from his death i will not cry

Nor heart will break , nor eye will bat

while the glutton dies all huge and fat

while the moster chokes and the theif arrested

soon my beeding heart will be mended

my mind will think but for itself

and my body will jump off of its shelf

for in a week tho slip i have

a sword has hacked my bitter half

the sword is acton

the half is lust

the man is me

the savior , Jesus

Sun, 19 Mar 2006 20:39:54 GMT

what shall we say again?
this feeling ive known since when?
some true loss and some true gain
all my feelings left in vain

a night full of lovly faces
a race set at differnt paces
beauty un mached in glory
me left feeling nothing but sorry

my heart torn up buy longings since
i cast my lot from this piont hence
to keep my self in silence
to my heart led head so dence

i shall not act fake amd be somone else
for i know my feelings are not felt
for i know my numbers not called
and my heart will be nothing but mauled

fun with freinds , that is the truth
none the lest im left in my noose
tided by my hands so full of fate
led by a heart so full of hate

i love

Thu, 02 Mar 2006 02:24:40 GMT

so i like a girl (typical) and im almost 100% shure shes not interested in me THAT way. oh well. story of my life.

Mon, 23 Jan 2006 04:13:39 GMT

oh what then shall we say?
my pain to end this endless day?
a day spent with longings thrice
a night spent in paradice

my dream , my wish , oh i dare not
my moves , my game , i fear the thought

oh what now shall we say?
a peom to end this fateful day?
a day i hope i never forget
a day that i consiter a gift

OH READER! do not fear
there is not immoral lust here
just , a fancy from afar
my secret held tightly in a jar

i wish to show and bear no shame
but three hearts is a dangous game

especially when it may be in vain

Sat, 07 Jan 2006 06:07:01 GMT

what shall we say?
not today
for i must say
your way
is astray

from my

stiff-necked
picked-out
held-up
stronghold
morals of
my picky unexperenced self.

do i detest my way?
hard to say...
i dont like it in the day
when i start to walk away
from thoes who connect
and find thier temparary mate.

oh , the runmarks of my heart are healed
im left alone on that lonly feild

but the irony is its the most falmillar of all
for only a few have jumped its wall

yet

its still lonly

and thus i wait.